After a week on a liquid diet or no diet while I was horribly ill I just wanted to return to work and, hopefully, watch some good porn. Which means I combed the archives for a film that looked like something fun to watch for more than it's naked people merits, I also kind of wanted something a little kinky but discovered my stomach just wasn't up to my usual ultra kinky fare. In the end I picked out "China DeSade" hoping for just the right mix of everything I was plot, kink and sexy naked action.

Unfortunately, China starts out with a literal blood bath and I got a little nervous about my still finicky stomach. Thankfully it doesn't look like a fatal wound and no one seems bothered enough by all the bleeding to stop with the fucking. Yes, they're fucking, sucking and covered in blood throughout, I'm not sure if I'm intrigued or scared just yet.

I'm intrigued, definitely intrigued. By the second scene the movies starting to take on a cinematic theme somewhere between "The Legends of Kung Fu" and "The Bourne Identity" though the plot is more like a late 70's spy movie, with extra sexing thrown in to cover up the plot holes. Scene's include double dong dildo debriefing foursomes, the aforementioned bloodbath blow job, as well as the badass black man bitch slap sexin' session - I swear the alliteration potential alone is worthy of an award but if there's really one thing I love about these classics it would be that the men are so much closer to my type. Not too bulky, lean hints of muscle and body hair in just the right places, I'd only add a few smoking hot tattoos for my perfect porn star.

There is one major drawback to the sex scenes; they're a bit hectic between the choices of music and the literally shaky camera work. That and the oral looked painful rather than pleasurable; I kept thinking "teeth!" And the 60's certainly aren't too early for the phenomenon of scary fake nails pressed into and dang near scratching delicate bits, to approximate hot lesbian action. Though the cameras did get up close and personal during the cunnilingus scenes the way modern shoots usually reserve for blow jobs, the technique was more enthusiastic than actually exciting.

Oh gods the plot holes. At no one point in time was I absolutely sure of what was going on and - the mark of a good grind-house flick - I didn't really care. There was enough information given so that I was pretty sure who the good guys were and who was the bad guy and there was just enough intrigue that I was hoping that the right guy would get the right girl. The rest of it was just awesomely bad filler.

Yes, "China DeSade" was awesome and terrible in all the right ways. It was smarmy, sultry, sexy, scheming and still has me doing the alliteration thing. It made little to no sense and still had me paying attention throughout. I watched the last 20 minutes or so with this pained look of confusion on my face but I'd readily recommend it to all my friends that love a campy good time. "China DeSade" is actually the kind of porn I'd say would be great to watch with a group of friends or alone, in a group you'll laugh at the ridiculous plot, alone, well that's up to you and your hand.